So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
