either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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