you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
