I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
