I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
