I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
