I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
