One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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