I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
