She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
