I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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