O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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