I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
