They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
