I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
