K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
