theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
