Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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