Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
