This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
