Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
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Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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