I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
