Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
