look no pants
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
