wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
