maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
