I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
