why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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