I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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