between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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