watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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