My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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