if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
