So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
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My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
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I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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