oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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