there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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