I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
