toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.