I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!