You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
