I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think my moral compass just broke
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
