how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
