Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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