Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
