I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
