he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
