i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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