I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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