Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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