I think my fart just growled at me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
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He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊