if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
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She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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