You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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