im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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