bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
