guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
