Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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