Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
