i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
