today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
